RA first came into my life 9 years ago when my mom was diagnosed, but it wasn't real to me. I opened things for her when she didn't have the strength, took care of myself when she needed naps, watched her down her pills and give herself injections. She didn't, and still doesn't, complain much about her affliction, she's a very strong woman and does her best to be independent. Doctors told her she would be in a wheel chair by the time she was 40; she turns 45 this year, and is still able to walk on her own. She has nodules on her heels, elbows and fingers, her fingers and toes have started to become malformed, but she is still very much in control of herself, and I admired her for it.
Two months ago, I was diagnosed with RA. It began as random pains in my hip and shoulder a few months before, and gradually progressed to a constant pain in my hands. Because of my mother's history, I panicked and told the doctor I wanted to be tested - they thought I was being a little over cautious and that I probably just had tendinitis or carpal tunnel because I work on computers all day long. Then I tested positive for the RA factor. My mom teased me that I "probably just had syphilis and at least it's curable" - but I didn't.
My life isn't horrible. I'm not going to die any time soon, or even sooner than I'm supposed to. I have to take 5 pills a day, and a shot once a week. But I have to battle the pain every day (my doctor doesn't like prescribing pain meds), and the exhaustion (even after 12+ hours of sleep), and having to explain that to everyone that a couple Tylenol aren't going to make this go away. I think the hardest thing for me is my relationship with my fiance and trying to get him to understand how much our life together is going to change. I have to be more careful now about getting pregnant, because one of my medications can cause miscarriages and major birth defects. Having children is more serious, because I need to think about if I can handle being a military wife and a mother with my RA. Moving with the military will be harder if he gets stationed somewhere where I won't be able to get treatment. I'm losing a lot of hair from my medications, the doctor is giving me a new pill to try to try and counteract the hair loss, but I haven't seen if it's been effective yet.
I'm scared to have my hands become claws, and I'm mad that there will be a day when I won't be able to wear pretty shoes I love. I'm afraid that when and if I can and do have children, that I won't be able to hold them, or take care of them on my own. I'm scared that even though he loves me, that one day my fiance will wake up and see a young woman trapped in the body of an old one, and leave.
There are too many things I want to do in my life to let RA get in the way. I can't change the fact that I have RA, that I feel 80 and look 20, that people aren't going to understand how sick I am because I look healthy. All I can do is take care of myself, and pack my life with things I want to do while I can still do them.
My name is Courtney. I'm 24 and I work in telecommunications. I'm engaged to a wonderful Airman who loves me very much. I have two cats, and I want to get a pug. I love to read Jane Austen and Spanish poetry, I like to watch cartoons and play video games. I have been to the Galapagos and swam with sea lions. I want to teach biology to high school students. I want to have children. And I have RA.
